this just has baby written all over it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
