just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
