good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
