So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
