Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
