I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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