You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
