I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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