I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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