He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
