i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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