we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
