why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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