Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
