How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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