Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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