I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
