i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
