The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
