we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
