I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
40s are totally the cure
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
