I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
