Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
