I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She bit a glass in half.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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