I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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