I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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