and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
