Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
