All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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