Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
