I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
