My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
