you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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