hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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