why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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