new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You smell like stripper and shame
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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