You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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