there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
