U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
