so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize