I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize