The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
