JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i think i have herpe
just one?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
