I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
