she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
