You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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