Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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