new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
