we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
