i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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