Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
