I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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