i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
