Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my liver is dry heaving
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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