Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
