I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
