Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
