I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
