i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
