I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
