My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
