just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
