I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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