While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it because I queefed?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize