drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
