why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
