Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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