Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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