I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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