Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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