Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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