I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
