woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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