Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
