My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
