Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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