someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
