I smell stomach acid.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
