I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
